The Miracle of Mutual Submission
By Dr. Jerry Lloyd
Wedding Counsel Part 3
This booklet is written about the husband and wife relationship and what we need to do to have a successful marriage. What in the world is a successful marriage? How can a marriage be a success? Well, if it does what it is supposed to do, and if it accomplishes what we are supposed to accomplish, then it is a success.
The First Thing
The first requirement for a couple to have a Christian wedding ceremony is they must be Christians. What does that mean? It means that both the prospective bride and groom have trusted Christ as their Savior. They know that they are going to heaven.
What does that mean, why is this so important, and how can we know we are going to heaven?
Bondage to Fear of Death
The Bible says in Hebrews 2:15 that we had been brought into bondage by Satan to fear of death. The instrument that Satan uses to bring us into bondage to fear of death is religion. God has relieved us from any fear of death. We will continue to fear dying, because death is usually not surrounded by circumstances that are pleasant, but God can completely relieve us from the fear of death. There is only one way to do that. That is to give you the absolute certainty of where you are going when you die. As long as you are looking at yourself to find out where you are going when you die, you can never be certain of going to heaven. You can never know that what you have done was enough, was the right thing, was enduring enough, whether or not you will fall away later, if you will stop doing what you need to do, or if you will start doing something that will keep us from obtaining heaven. You do not know what you are going to do in the future. You may have the best intentions right now, but you cannot look at what you have done, what you will do, or what you promised to do to figure out whether or not you are going to heaven. There is only one thing that will give you the absolute certainty of going to heaven. That is the Word of God. If God says it, then it is true. In I John 5:13 God tells us we can know we are going to heaven. We can know that we have eternal life. He says, “These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know
that ye have eternal life.” He says you can know it. He did not say “hope” or “guess.”
You Can Know You Have Eternal Life in Heaven
“Well I wish I were going to heaven,” some might say. You do not have to wish.
“Well, maybe I’m going then.” You do not have to wish. You do not have to “maybe.” You can know that you have eternal life, and that you have eternal life right now. You do not have to wait until you die to get it, and it is eternal, so it is going to last forever. You do not ever have to worry about losing it. If you lost it, it would not ever have been eternal life to begin with. God says that you can know that you have eternal life, and, if you know that you have eternal life, then you can know that you are going to heaven when you die. You do not have to wait until you die to get it, because you have it now.
What Must We Do to Know That You Are Going to Heaven?
So, what does the verse say that you have to do? “These things have I written unto you that,” do what? “Believe on the name of the Son of God.”
What Must You Believe?
What is it we are supposed to believe? “On the name of the son of God.” What is His name? It is Jesus. What in the world does it mean to believe on His name? It means to believe what his name means. Jesus means God (The Jah- or Almighty), the Savior (The Yasha or the One who saves and keeps). So if you believe that Jesus is Jehovah God the Father who took on flesh, and that He has done what it takes to save you and keep you for all eternity; you have believed on His name.
What Did Jesus Do to Save Us?
What did He do to save and keep you? He died, was buried, and rose again to completely pay for our sins. The only thing He requires of us is that we trust what He did. If you have never trusted Jesus to get to heaven, you need to do that.
That is the prerequisite to having a Christian wedding ceremony and marriage.
But what must you do to have a successful marriage?
The Bible says that for the Christian there is a difference when you get married. So we are going to look at the difference. In I Corinthians 7:32-34 God tells us there is a difference, “But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”
We see that there is a difference here. At first glance it might sound as if God is saying that it is better to be unmarried than married. However, that is not what He is saying. In verse 32-34 God is telling us the right way to find a husband or wife, and then the right way to have a successful relationship with our husband or wife.
A Good Thing
In Proverbs 18:22 God says, “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing,” God is not calling the wife a “thing” as if she was a possession of the husband. God is saying that marriage is a good thing. It is a good thing to find a wife. It is not that she is a thing or possession of the husband. The two of them together become one “thing” that belongs to God. God says in I Corinthians 6:15, “Know ye not that your bodies are members of Christ?” God says in Ephesians 5:30-32, “For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” So, when the two become one flesh in marriage, they become one good thing that belongs to God, and He has a purpose for His purchased possession. (I Corinthians 6:17, 19-20)
What Is This Thing Good for, Anyway?
What was the first instruction God gave to mankind? “Be fruitful and multiply.” That is difficult for a man to do without a wife. So God said to leave father and mother and cleave to your spouse. The very interesting part of that statement was the fact that Adam and Eve had neither father nor mother. So these instructions must be very important for them to obey to have a successful marriage and life. They were to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth.
Replenish the Earth With Believers
When mankind sinned, the instruction had to be amended just the least bit. The addition was they were supposed to replenish the earth with believers. The focus kind of shifted a little more from replenishing the earth with believers to making the replenished earth believers after the earth was replenished with people. However, we still are to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Showers of Blessings
God’s blessings are like a shower-head. God says He will pour out showers of blessings that you cannot even receive, but if you get out from under the shower-head, then all the blessings are being poured out, but you are not receiving them, because you are in the wrong place. Well, one of the blessings that is in the center of God’s will under God’s showerhead, is a good spouse. The way to find the blessing of the Lord, the inheritance of the Lord, and the good spouse that God would have for you that will not be a curse rather than a blessing is brought out in I Corinthians 7:32, “I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how He may please the Lord.” What? Care for the things of the Lord and how to please the Lord and God will bring the right person into your life.
The Difference
“There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord that she may be holy both in body and spirit.” She needs to care for the things of the Lord and be holy both in body and spirit for God to bring the right man into her life. The next verse tells us how to have and treat a good spouse. They that are married are to care for the things of the world. That means how you treat your spouse and care for your spouse in this world is how to receive the blessing of a good spouse. So, caring for the things of the Lord, and remaining holy in body and spirit is how to find a good spouse, and caring for and pleasing your spouse is how to have a successful relationship with them after you have found them. You have got to live with your husband or wife in the world, and that fact includes physical things you use, but also things that are spiritual. The successful marriage includes the victory in the spiritual warfare.
Mutual Submission
Ephesians chapter 5 Is a definitive passage about marriage. In verse 21 God says “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the God.”
The Old Scoffield reference Bible which I use has the paragraph breaking right before verse 21. Verse 21 is a transitional verse. It applies to everybody, but it applies specifically and probably most importantly to the husband and wife relationship. You will find that this is because the family and the marriage is where you learn to live in the world. If you do not live the way God wants, you are going to have a problem in marriage. However, by learning to deal with those things in a marriage, you can deal with them in the world. We are to treat the people in the world the way we learn to treat our spouse. Now, not everybody treats their spouse properly. So we need to learn what to do. God gives many instructions. The first instruction about marriage is in verse 21, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of the Lord.” That is not the woman submitting to the man. That is one submitting to another. This is what we call the miracle of mutual submission. That means both submit.
Submission of the Wife
In verse 22 God says, “Wives, submit unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
What a long passage talking about wives submitting to their husbands! There are three verses here!
Notice that the wives are to be in subjection to their own husbands. They are not supposed to submit to other husbands. They are not to submit to men in general. She is no longer supposed to submit to her parents. She is not told to submit to her boss. She is to submit to her own husband.
Husbands Love Your Wives
In verse 25 God talks about something else. “Husbands love your wives. These instructions to the husband go all the way to the end of the chapter. You think there is a lot about the ladies?
Limits of Submission
“Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” Now wait a minute. What if the husband requires something immoral or illegal of her. It says in everything, but I have known husbands that have required things that were wrong of their wife. What should happen?
Look over at Colossians 3:18. “Wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands as is fit in the Lord.”
What this is talking about is the parameters of submission. They are to submit within the parameters of the Lord’s will. Therefore, if the husband steps out of the Lord’s will, there is a problem, because his wife is not required by God to do something illegal or immoral or unscriptural. We are not talking about opinions here. We are talking about things that are illegal or immoral or unscriptural.
If the husband says, “Don’t study your Bible.” Sorry. God says, “Study to show thyself approved unto God.”
What if the husband says to go to an unsound church? Sorry. God says not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together, and we are supposed to give attendance to reading, exhortation, and doctrine. Suppose there are two churches that are both sound in doctrine, but she does not like the translation used in one, but he does. She is to follow him. So wives are supposed to submit unless the Bible tells us directly to do something different than what the husband says to do.
But do not forget the instruction of the mutual submission. The man is responsible for the decision, but he cannot force an unscriptural, immoral or illegal decision on his wife before God.
The Virtuous Woman
Proverbs 31 is a wonderful chapter for the ladies. Preachers love to preach about this. Verse 10 says, “Who can find a virtuous woman for her price is far above rubies.” She is worth a lot to the man because of verse 11.
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her.” He does not ever have to worry about her leaving him, or running home to mama, or her having an affair. The instruction to the woman is that the husband can safely trust in her so that he has no need of spoil. A husband who does not trust his wife to stay with him is a husband that tends toward infidelity, but his infidelity is not the woman’s fault. In verse 25 we find she is very industrious. She is not lazy. We find out she has ministry, also. She, also, has inward character. The climax is in verse 30, “Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her works praise her in the gates.” You find that her husband is spoken of in the gates, but her works are also praised in the gates.”
Good Instructions
In Titus 2:3 we see some additional instructions for the woman. “The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober.” That does not mean not to drink. It is talking about being sober minded, to think clearly, and reasonably.
“To love their husbands.” What? Loving their husbands is something that needs to be taught.
“To love their children, To be discreet.” Discretion is most obviously demonstrated by how one dresses. However, discretion refers to other things as well.
“Chaste” refers to how she acts.
“Keepers at home.” In I Timothy 5:14 God says the woman is to guide the house.
Disobedience Blasphemes the Word of God
“Obedient to their own husbands. That the Word of God be not blasphemed.” Notice what will happen if she does not do these things. The Word of God will be blasphemed. If the woman does not behave properly the word of God will be blasphemed. The name of God can also be blasphemed according to Romans 3:24. The heathen or Gentile nations blaspheme the name of God because of the behavior of Christians. They do not dress like they ought to. They do not talk like they ought to. They do not treat other Christians like they ought to. They do not have a marriage relationship like they ought to, and, therefore, the heathen blaspheme the name of God.
Husbands Love Your Wives
In Ephesians 5:25 God says, “Husbands love your wives.” It is important that men love their wives. In I Corinthians 13 God said that love “Seeketh not her own.” If you are going to love your wife, you cannot seek your own way. If you seek what you want and what you feel, you are not loving. Love is seeking what the other person wants. The husband is not supposed to seek his own way.
The Greatest Temptation That Leads to Infidelity
With the ladies the primary instruction is to submit or to be in subjection to the husband.
We also read in verse 21 “Submitting yourselves one to another.” Why is the woman told three times as many times as the man to submit to the man, if they are both supposed to submit; while the man is told to love the woman three times as many times as the woman is told to love the husband, if they both are supposed to love each other? It is because the number one thing a man needs is honor, and he gets that through his wife submitting to his will. The number one temptation of the woman is not to submit. So she has to be told three times the number of times as the man to submit, and the man needs to be told to love. However, the number one temptation of the husband is not to show his love for his wife. He told her he loved her when they got married. It was in the vows, and if things ever changed, he would let her know. However, the number one need of the woman is secure love. She needs to see it demonstrated. Meanwhile, the number one temptation of the husband is not to show secure love for his wife. So God has to tell him three times as many times as the woman to show his love. His tendency is not to demonstrate it or act it out. He takes her for granted. The number one temptation of the man is not to demonstrate secure love. Yet, the number one thing the woman needs is secure love.
The woman will try to provoke the man by needling him in little things to see if he will react in love or if he will react in anger, withdrawal, or in another equally unloving manner. Remember, she does not realize she is doing this. It is something within her natural makeup, but what she wants is to see him react in a loving manner so that she can be secure in his love. Usually, the husband will just shut his mouth and walk away.
With these truths in mind we begin to see how mutual submission works.
Here is how mutual submission works. Let us say that you have got a date night with your spouse. The husband wants to go see a ball game, and the wife wants to go to a fancy restaurant. So he says, “Honey, I’m going to submit to what you want so we’ll go to the restaurant.” Now that is submission. Mutual submission is when the wife says, “No, let’s go to the ball game.” So now he is saying to go to the restaurant, and she is saying to go to the ball game.
So, now what do we do? Here’s how it works in mutual submission. Who is the head? Who is responsible for the decision? The man is. He is responsible for the decision. He is the head of the house. She may be the neck that turns the head, but he is still the head. He should be, anyway. So, at this point she says, “Honey, I am going leave it up to you. It’s your decision.”
Now, fellows, if you ever get that opportunity, You had better make the right decision, and I will tell you what the right decision is. You had better tell her, “Honey, I have decided to go to the restaurant.”
Now, what has happened? She showed him honor by submitting no matter what he decided, and his basic need for honor is satisfied. His need for honor has been satisfied, and she did not give in to temptation. He shows love by giving her her way, and she is satisfied because she sees a secure love in his decision. Now, he has to go out to eat. However, when he goes, he probably will find out that it is kind of a good to go out to eat with his wife. The only real reason that they would fuss over going to the ball game or restaurant is pride, anyway. He has to eat, and he probably would like to eat at a nice restaurant, and he knew that she would not want to go to the ball game if the truth were known. He made the decision, but she got her way. She submitted showing him honor, and he gave her her way showing her secure love. That is the way it works, and it does work. In fact, as they get a little better at this, they probably would end up going out to eat and then to the ball game.
In Titus 2:5-6 we see what God says to the guys. “Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things showing thyself a pattern of good works.” A pattern is something that you can follow or imitate.
“In doctrine.” Interestingly enough, the Bible speaks of doctrine a number of times when referring to men, but does not refer to doctrine when speaking about the woman. That is because I Corinthians 14 teaches that the wife is supposed to get her doctrine from her husband. He is to be the spiritual head of the home (I Corinthians14:35).
Doctrine and Marriage
“In doctrine showing uncorruptness.” This is interesting when you consider what corruption is. Corruption, when physical, is when your body ages, dies, and rots. That is physical corruption. How can someone show incorruption or corruption? God is talking about corruption in the spiritual sense. God explains it in II Corinthians 11:3, “But I fear lest by any means as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty so your minds should be a corrupted (away) from the simplicity that is in Christ.” The husband is the one who is responsible to keep the family true to the simplicity of the gospel. That is apparently a big deal to God. Corruption is getting away from the simplicity of the gospel.
“Gravity” Now there is a heavy subject.
“Sincerity, Sound speech.” Sound speech is saying the right things. You should use godly language not just at church and not just in front of your children, but wherever it is heard.
“Sound speech that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.” In other words, how you speak in front others reflects on your marriage. We are instructed to have doctrinally sound or uncorrupted sound speech.
The Purposes
In I Peter 3 We see some purposes. God begins in verse one where He says, “Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.” She should be in submission or in subjection except in things that are illegal or immoral.” If any (husband) obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives.”
Conversation
“Conversation” is talking about your manner of life. Conversation is how people speak about you in their conversation. It includes your own conversation, but it also includes the whole spectrum of how you behave. “While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Outward Appearance
Whose adorning let not it the outward adorning of plaiting of hair and wearing of gold and putting on of apparel.” This does not mean you can not plait your hair, wear gold, or wear apparel. Please put on apparel at least when you are coming to church. God Is not saying that you cannot do those things. He is saying that those things are not where your beauty lies.
Inward Beauty
“But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which it in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are.”
Know What Makes Her Happy
“Likewise, ye husbands, Dwell with them according to knowledge.” You need to figure out what it means to dwell with them according to knowledge. Know what her needs are. Know what God requires of you. We must dwell with them in what respect?
The Stronger Sex Is Really Weaker Than The Weaker Sex, Because of the Stronger Sex’ Weakness for the Weaker Sex
“Giving honor unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life.” What did it say in Proverbs about inheriting things? We are “heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered.” Do not ever expect to pray for something and get an answer to that prayer, if you do not have a good relationship with your spouse. If you pray for something and you do not get it, it is not God’s fault. It is your fault, if you do not have the right relationship with your spouse. He says here is that your prayers will be hindered. If you have a right relationship with your spouse, your prayers will not be hindered.
Being Single Minded
“Finally, be ye all of one mind.” Here, He is talking to both husband and wife.
“Be ye all of one mind having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing:” Railing is talking about raising your voice. If he raises his voice, does she? The Bible says not to render railing for railing. If you have evil done to you or someone raises their voice against you, what are you supposed to do?
“But contrariwise a blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” You should bless them. “A soft answer turneth away wrath,” God said in Proverbs.
Showers of Blessings
What blessings can we expect if we do all these things that are listed here? Verse ten tells us: “For he that will love life.” Hey! You will love life! You will have a life full of love! “And see good days.” You will have good days! Most of us have good days and bad days, but the good days are because we have a right relationship with others.
“Let him refrain his tongue from evil.” Do not be speaking badly.
“And his lips that they speak no guile.” Do not be deceitful.
“And let him eschew evil.” That means to chase it away. When something bad comes up, chase it away. When temptation comes to the door, chase it away. “Eschew” means to “chase it away” or to “scatter it,” not like you are scattering seed hoping it will grow, but scattering or chasing it like an Army is scattered when it is routed.
“And do good. Let him seek peace. And ensue it.”
Two Are Better Than One
In Ecclesiastes 4:9 God says, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow:” We might insert in there “If they fail to bear fruit, fail to lead people to Christ, fail in ministry, or whatever. “If they fall, one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; For he hath not another to help him up. If one shall prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
Wait a minute! Where did that third cord come from in this relationship? The third cord is God. If you want to have a successful relationship with your spouse, the person in the center of that relationship must be God. Just below Him should be your spouse. You should not give less importance to your spouse, but different importance. In the very center of your life should be God. Your spouse should also be in the center of your life, since your spouse is also in the center of God’s will. So the center of your life should revolve around your God and your spouse. Together with God and your spouse you can fulfill your purpose in life and have a fulfilled life. We can have a life full of love, a life that is good, a life that is fruitful, and a life that will inherit the blessings God wants for us.
Reprise
At the beginning this booklet was explained what you have to do to know you are going to heaven. None of the instructions of this book are required to get you to heaven. To get to heaven all you have to do is trust who Jesus is, and what He did to get you to heaven. We have all sinned. We have all done things wrong. To get to heaven we cannot have any sin. But the wages of sin is death, so we can do nothing to get ourselves to heaven. However, Jesus died and paid for our sins. The only thing He requires of us is that we trust what he has done. If you trust Him, then you can know that you are going to heaven. If you have never trusted Jesus to get you to heaven, why not trust Him now?
Maybe you could pray something like this, “God I don’t understand it all, but I trust you to get me to heaven.”
If you do that, on the authority of God’s Word you can know you have eternal life. Trust Him. He’s trustworthy. Pastor Jerry
What verse says that if you believe on the name of the Son of God you may know that ye have eternal life?
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Do you know for sure you are going to heaven? ________