Separation, Divorce, and Remarriage
A Few Scriptures with a Few Cryptic Explanations
A Word of Caution
Never interpret Scriptures by opinion, logic, experience, illustrations, or examples (Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding”). Judge what should be done in each case by Scripture alone. It is a sure thing that there is more information behind every incident that we hear about than we can imagine. For example, if the couple is not saved, then Scriptural commands do not apply. If only one of the couple is saved, then only one is required to keep God’s commands. If both are saved, it could be that alcohol is involved, or one or both of the couple is not studying their Bible, praying, attending church, and witnessing to their friends. If that is the case, then trouble is inevitable, also. While the Scriptures apply to both husband and wife, God has set up parameters to protect the innocent parties in failed relationships. If both are living luke warm lives, problems are inevitable then, too. There is no promise in Scripture to help rebellious children. If they want God’s help, then they must follow God’s instructions even if they think it is unfair or severe. If both believers in a marriage are living lives dedicated to the Lord, they are still going to have problems, but God has ways to solve them in His Word.
The Prime Directive from God to Mankind
Genesis 1:28 & 2:23 (“God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.” “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”) This is the prime directive from God to mankind concerning marriage. It is interesting that God commanded Adam and Eve to leave father and mother and cleave to each other, even though neither one of them had a father or mother other than God. The prime directive points out that the main reason for marriage was to bear fruit and raise that fruit in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). As the couple would cling to their spouse, they would literally become one flesh. This was consummated even without the physical bearing of children. The idea that, when the relationship was consummated they became one flesh at that time is the reasoning and basis for the further instructions.
Marriage Should Magnify the Lord
Psalm 34:3-“O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together.” The basic agreement between husband and wife is that their marriage would magnify the Lord together. It would have been difficult for Adam to have born fruit without Eve, so God gave him an help meet for him to accomplish magnifying the Lord.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12-(“Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.
Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?
And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”)
This passage demonstrates the need for an help meet.
Amos 3:3-(Can two walk together, except they be agreed? This verse points out that before a couple gets married, not only should they make sure that their intended is saved and has dedicated his or her life to the Lord, but that they also have the same goals such as what church to which they should go, where they intend to work, what standards they require of their friends and family, what state in which to live and work, etc.
Enter Divorce
Matthew 5:31-32-(“It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”)
These verses introduce the reality of divorce. Jesus said that the only grounds for divorce is sexual immorality (fornication). This dissolution is only allowed for the innocent party of the couple.
God Is a Divorced Person
Note: When a fornicator divorces a faithful spouse, the requirement of a bill of divorcement was for the protection of the innocent party. (More later)
Point being: We should not alienate an innocent divorcee. Remember, God is a divorced person. He divorced His adulterous wife, Israel, and will remarry the church (which includes believing Israel).
The Hardness of Men’s Hearts
Mark 10:2-12-The allowing of a bill of divorcement because of the hardness of men’s hearts was due to the fact that by God’s law, a person who committed adultery was supposed to be stoned to death. God knew when He gave that command that mankind would be reticent to carry out that command, so to protect the innocent party, Moses allowed for the writing of the bill of divorcement. If men had made an example of the fornicator by executing him or her as they were commanded to do, then the innocent party would be free to remarry. However, the guilty party would be guilty of additional adultery if they remarried, and anyone who married a guilty divorcee would be committing adultery as well (Because of the two become one flesh thing). Luke 16:18
New Testament Judgment
I Corinthians 5:1-13-Since it was no longer practiced to execute an adulterer as an example, this chapter shows what to do with a brother who has committed certain Christian crimes. Notice in verse nine that we are not to keep company with fornicators. However, in verse ten God says that this prohibition does not extend to the lost. Verse eleven names the sins for which we must excommunicate brothers. They are fornication (sexual immorality), acting upon covetousness (stealing), idolatry (Yes, some believers worship idols), railing (habitually yelling at someone in anger), drunkenness (getting drunk), and extortion (unfair and illegal business practices). What is the punishment of delivering them to Satan for the destruction of the flesh? It is to sever fellowship to the extent that we not even eat with them. Then let Satan deal with him. If he or she will confess his or her sins publicly, forsake their sin, and make recompense, then it is required f the church to forgive them and receive them back into fellowship.
Two Become One Flesh
I Corinthians 6:15-18-(“Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.”
This explains why fornication is such a grievous and unique sin. It goes back to the example that even with a prostitute, sexual relations create a “two become one” scenario which includes the body of Christ.
The Scriptures referred to heretofore were simply background.
Instructions
In the next portion we will see God’s marriage instructions.
The Miracle of Mutual Submission
In Ephesians 5:21-33-God gives relationship instructions, and I Peter 3:1-12 (Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.) gives the method, purpose, and results of following God’s instructions.
Rewards of a Scriptural Marriage
In I Peter 3:1-13 (God shows the importance of our relationship with our spouse and our God in relation to our present welfare and our eternal inheritance and rewards, and In I Corinthians 7-The whole chapter gives detailed instructions about marriage, divorce, remarriage, mixed marriages, and celibacy.
Ephesians 5:21-33-God begins the section on marriage and its picture of the church with the most important and overriding principle of the miracle of mutual submission.
If both husband and wife are submitting to each other, then how are they to resolve their differences, since both are trying to do what the other one wants. So God gives the rest of the chapter to the working of mutual submission.
So the wife is to submit (so is the husband). For example: if the wife wants to vacation at the beach and the husband wants to go camping, then the wife, after letting her desires be known, submits to whatever he decides (Verses 22-24). When the verse gives the statement “in everything,” this command is clarified by the corresponding passage in Colossians 3:18-19 where God tempers the command by the important words “in the Lord.”
In Ephesians 5:25-31 ( instructs the husband as to God’s command to him. Notice the difference in the length of the instructions. There are three verses instructing the wife, and seven verses instructing the husband husband. The reason for that is men are more apt to fail to love their wife than the woman is to love her husband. Secondly, he is responsible for the decision that the wife leaves to him. This is a very important principle.
Finally, in Ephesians 5:32-33 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.”
We see the summary of the passage in verse 31 & 32. Marriage is a picture of the church (“This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.)” So the wife is to reverence her husband, and the husband is to love his wife in this manner.
Additional Instructions
I Peter 3:1-12-This passage begins with the same idea that we learned in Ephesians 5. If the husband is unsaved and not loving the wife as he should, her instruction is to be in submission. Of course, this instruction will only work for those wives who have trusted Christ after she was married, because marriage between a saved and a lost person is strictly forbidden by God. If that scenario led to the situation, then She is responsible for the bed she has made, and must work all the harder at submitting herself since their situation is her own fault. However, by confessing her sin, she can bring her life back under the life of grace that God desires to pour out on all of His children.
Verses 1-6 (“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;
“While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornamentof a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.”-This part of the passage instructs the wife on how to act to win her husband to the Lord.
Verse seven instructs the man to love his wife and gives insight on how to do that. To dwell with them according to knowledge means to learn what her needs and desires are. Notice that the husband is to honor his wife as the wife was instructed to reverence her husband in Ephesians 5:33 (“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”) The greatest need of the husband is for his wife to honor him by submission. The greatest need of the wife is to be honored by the demonstration of the secure love of her husband.
Instruction of How to Love
In I Corinthians 13:4-8 (“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth.”
We find the instruction about how to love here. It says in verse 5 that love does not seek to have its own way. So in the vacation scenario The woman lets her desire be known to vacation at the beach, but she says that she will abide by his decision. This fulfills his need to be honored. So he decides to vacation at the beach rather than go camping. This act of selflessness fulfills the wife’s need of secure love, so she gets her way and is honored by her husband as well. Plus, he got his way, because it was his decision to go to the beach.
Back in I Peter 3:7 God says (“Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing. we begin to see the eternal benefit of a godly marriage. They become heirs together of the grace of life (rewards for sharing the saving grace of God), and their prayers are not hindered.
Verses 8-12 (Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil,” These verses continue with further instructions and again ends up with the promise of inheriting blessings.
Definitive Chapter of Insytructions
I Corinthians chapter seven is a lengthy chapter that gives commands and instructions about what to do when things are not working the way they should.
Be Careful about Touching
In verse one God gives a no brainer to govern the husband and women who are not his wife. The word for “touch” there is the same word that is used when Jesus touched people to heal them. Keep that in mind when you read some liberal commentaries that would tell you that the word means to “kindle a flame of sexual desire.” The problem with that interpretation is that Jesus did not “touch” sick people to kindle within them some sexual desire. It is true that a person can be excited sexually by a touch, and we should not touch another person in that manner as well, but there will be no misunderstanding of a person’s “touch” if there is no touch.
The Physical Relationship That Is Preserved and Reserved for Marriage
Verse two shows us that if we withhold our affections from our spouse, we will be more apt to kindle a wayward flame in our spouse.
Verse three and four instructs the couple to submit to have sex with their spouses and accompany the sex with sufficient foreplay.
Verse five shows us God’s instruction concerning separation and abstinence. The instructions are (1) separation should be only with mutual consent, (2) it should be for a specific period of time, (3) it must be for the purpose of fasting and prayer, and (4) there must be the intent to come together again at the end of the separation. The reason is clear. Whenever the husband or wife withholds sex without following these commands, then they will become dissatisfied sexually and will be tempted to be unfaithful more easily.
Verse six is admitting that Jesus did not teach on this, but these instructions are nevertheless inspired reasonable commands of God.
Verses 7-9 should be interpreted in light of verse 26. Biblical marriage was ordained by God, but there are certain times in history that it might be wise not to get married, because of persecution and prohibition.
Verse 10-11 was inspired by Jesus’ own words, but God inspired Paul to explain exceptions to His statements in Mark 10:2-12 which has been covered in our lengthy introduction.
In Verse 12-14 God commands the believing spouses of a mixed marriage between a saved and unsaved spouse. The method to affect the conversion of the unsaved spouse is covered in I Peter 3:1-11.
What Is Bondage in Marriage?
In verse 15 God commands the believing spouse as to what to do if the unbelieving spouse leaves. The operative word in this verse is that the word “bondage.” The meaning of this word is tempered by verse 39. The meaning of this verse would indicate that the one who departs is either still bound to the spouse, or they are to be considered dead. How could that be? My rationalization is that if a spouse commits fornication the responsibility of the community was to stone him to death. However, since the hardness of the hearts of those in the community was loath to make an example of a fornicator, Moses gave the instruction to write a bill of divorcement. If the innocent party could not remarry after the divorce, then he or she would be being punished, while the guilty party would go free. The divorce was not to free the guilty, but the innocent. So the innocent party would be free to be married to another dedicated believer and was no longer bound to an adulterer.
God Is Reasonable
Verses 16 Tells us the reason for the instructions in verses 10-15.
Verse 17 tells us that if a woman or man trusts Christ after they are married, divorced, remarried, or one of several spouses as in the case of polygamy, then they are still to stay in that situation, and the church has no right to require separation, divorce, or remarriage.
Verses 18-24 shows that this attitude is consistent with the law.
Verse 25-40 shows the attitude toward the father of a virgin. While these instructions are not very applicable today, there are some extremely important principles revealed in the passage.
Verses 25-26 are a recap of previous verses before going on.
Verses 27-31 should be taken together in light of verse 26. These instructions are repeated as wise options to be considered under the coming persecution.
Verses 32-34 is not criticizing those who get married, because they are distracted or detracted from the greater purpose of serving God. It is, rather, instructing the married that their primary goal is no longer ministering privately as an evangelist or missionary, but, after marriage, the primary focus becomes “magnifying the Lord together” and becoming “heirs together of the grace of life” (rather than as a lone evangelist or missionary).
Verse 35 points out the reason for these instructions. The reason is for our profit (rewards) as we serve the Lord together as God commanded in His prime directive.
Recap
Remember, those who get married without the goal of bearing fruit together (John 15:8 “Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall ye be my disciples.”) cannot have a successful prosperous marriage, spiritually (Joshua 1:8-“This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.”).
Verses 38-39 (“So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.
The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.”) This is speaking to the father of a virgin saying, “Marriage is good only under the right circumstances.”
What are the right circumstances? Verse 39 tells us: “Only in he Lord.”
Reprise
I have often asked couples that come to me for premarital counselling, “Why do you want to get married?” They will usually say something about love. However, they do not have a clue what love is. I have often said that it is better to get married for money than love, because most people do not have a clue what love is, but everybody knows what money is. However, the only marriage that has a chance to be successful, prosperous spiritually, and happy is a marriage that has as its reason to get married that the couple wants to be married “Only in the Lord” Verses 39-40.
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